Its Christmas Eve and I am enjoying floating in towards Christmas Day. Everything is ready and all I need to do is cook a baked dinner for lunch tomorrow and supervise the gift giving. We have decided on a simpler format for Christmas this year. Everyone is getting themselves something they really want. Then we are all contributing small, inexpensive gifts, and secondhand or re-gifted things to a Christmas Party game which we will play after lunch. It has been so much cheaper and easier, it has made the lead up to Christmas a real pleasure. I feel that I can float up to and through Christmas without a lot of pressure or hassle. Its a nice feeling.
I have been thinking about the year past and the year ahead. For me New Year has more significance than Christmas, because its a time of reflection and transition. I have been remembering what a struggle I was going through this time last year. I was so stressed I was having high blood pressure readings for the first time, and that made me take my situation very seriously. I seemed to be struggling against the job I was doing and it was very effortful to get through my working days.
Since leaving work in April I have been floating, around the world, around my life, and around the blogosphere. Trying out different ideas about the shape of my future. What I want to avoid is getting back into a situation where I am struggling against my circumstances. Exerting a huge amount of effort to cope with the status quo is an enormous energy drain, yet it doesn’t seem worth it. Its a big outlay of effort to just get by.
I see myself as in a transition phase, where I am moving away from the pattern of Struggling Against, to make space to Struggle For. I want to direct my effort towards things that I want to see happen. I may need to struggle, but I want to the struggle to be worth the effort. I’d like he struggle to be rewarded with growth and change and good work and making a contribution. I have enough experience of perseverance in the face of adversity. My aim for next year will be to persevere in the face of hope.