I haven’t written for a few days because I have been busy getting together the website for my new business. I have just released it to family and friends for (gentle) feedback. I am glad I had experience with WordPress from doing the blog. The website required me to learn a whole lot of extra stuff to make it look more like a website and less like a blog. Static pages are a much bigger responsibility than a blog, as they are not just going to roll on down the list as new things come up.
The other reason I have not written is that I am still feeling angry about something that happened on Friday, which seems to have invaded my happy place with recurring angry thoughts. I would love nothing more than to tell you what happened and why it is such a terrible thing, but that would be a big mistake.
If I even try to give you a clue about what happened I am going to start ranting and raving in an unbecoming fashion. The problem is, I know deep down that my reaction is out of proportion to the problem. Something has triggered a sore point, and its difficult to remain calm and rational, even though no real harm was done.
It reminds me of the situation I wrote about in the Disappointment post, where something happens and I am tempted to go into anger and blame. Only in this case, the awareness of what specifically is bothering me is much lower, and the anger and blame are much stronger.
I have a feeling that the problem is vulnerability. A mistake was made that affected me, and although it was found and fixed before I knew about it, it made me feel very vulnerable to realise that I am open to the impact of other peoples mistakes, and I have not control over that.
Apparently I enjoy vulnerability even less than disappointment, because it brought up a lot of anger. I pretty much skipped the vulnerable stage and went straight to anger and blame in the form of grumpy emails and mentally reciting why I was so upset.
It seems like there is a chain of events that goes something like this:
Someone makes a mistake > I feel vulnerable > I get angry that I was made to feel vulnerable > I get angry that I was made to feel angry > I express my anger > I feel ashamed that I am angry and expressed it > I dwell on what happened and justify my anger > I feel exhausted from all the effort.
It seems like the clue to all this is the initial feeling of vulnerability. Its like disappointment in that it follows an event that I have no control over. It triggers a frenzy of activity trying to find a way to get control, or force someone else to get control, or to prevent the situation being out of control in the future.
I have worked in offices and I know its not possible to never make mistakes. People and organisations aren’t perfect, and while there are things you can do to minimise errors, they are going to happen. Deep down I know that the health and wellbeing of other people (including people who make mistakes!) is much more important than me getting my anger off my chest. I hate being in the role of the client from hell. If I had to live Friday again, I would ring up to find out what was going on, instead of sending emails, so that we would have been real people to each other. That way we would have been more aware of each others vulnerability, and hopefully, more able to respond.