I wrote in an earlier post that I was exploring the idea that I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life. I had a sense that I did have ideas about directions that would excite me, but I was suppressing or rejecting them as ridiculous, unworkable, or out of character.
I have been working at picking up on those subtle messages about possible directions, which has led me to writing this blog and doing a major cull of my belongings. It has also meant that I have resisted the temptation to go straight back to the kind of employment situation that I left a few months ago, and live on my savings a bit longer.
The reason that I had trouble picking up on ideas about my future direction is that where they are taking me is quite scary, and challenge my ideas about myself. Even before I left work, the thing that I was thinking about, was working for myself. I have always had secure, permanent jobs, and always thought of myself as the kind of person who needed that security. I saw myself as particularly non-entrepreneurial. Nevertheless, I can’t shake the idea of working on a contract basis, rather than going back into the role of permanent employee.
I have some ideas about what I might do, and have been investigating how to set myself up as a sole trader in the simplest possible way to try it out. I have been taking it slowly, because it is taking a while to adjust to this different perception of myself. However in order to be true to the experiment I am undertaking, I need to resist blocking myself from doing the thing that looming right in front of me as the next thing. I don’t want to be in the situation of creating false limits on myself because I am telling myself I need more security, or more knowledge, or a more developed plan, or a completely different personality! The reality is I am in a position where I am able to risk something new, and the only thing holding me back is my own reticence.